Out of my mind,
These feelings drive me wild.
Was it all my imagination?
Or was there a hint of life?
Did you ever see me cry?
Were my words to you a lie?
Did you not think about tomorrow
When you held me by your side?
Was I too blind to see
That you were playing me?
Was my fight to save too weak
To see you slip in between?
Yes, we walked a path,
A path that reached its end.
While you walked along ahead,
I stayed behind and bled.
Do not pity me.
I am proud to have loved.
And in my own world of vision,
I’ve placed myself above.
But my soul I exposed.
My heart was in your keep.
I bathed in your indifference,
And drank myself to sleep.
I do not blame you.
It was my choice too.
My heart led me along a path
Where there was a dream of you.
That dream is over.
And now the time has come,
To carry on with memories
Of a yesterday that lingers on.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Pursuit of something..
Someone recently said to me, “I’ve been in the pursuit of something for years now, but I’m not sure what it is.” Later that day, I wondered about my own life and my own pursuits. The truth is we’re all in pursuit of something; perhaps, that elusive something is “happiness.” These days, whomever I speak with is unhappy. The general reply to “How are you?” is “Okay.”
Every age, every season, a new pursuit takes root, and we go through life’s ups and downs seeking it. The sad part I think is that we rarely notice when we achieve, because the very second a pursuit is met, a new one is born. We drift through life thinking that we haven’t achieved any of our dreams, and yet, all the while, all our dreams are coming true.
Every night before I sleep, I do a little bit of soul searching. It is an attempt to identify that one thing that would bring me happiness. Sadly, thus far, I’ve found nothing. At times, I question myself, “Am I looking in the right places?” Then again, no answer.
What is happiness? How can we achieve it? Is it something that can be gained? Some believe that happiness is merely a state of mind; others are convinced that true happiness comes from the one thing that the heart truly desires. Honestly, is there really such a thing? Aren’t our desires transitory? And if they are, then shouldn’t the source of happiness be constantly altering?
Why search for something that cannot be found? Why not just live life the best you can and hope that in the end, it’ll all make sense when you take that journey through the tunnel of white lights.
Earlier, when I would look back at life, I would see an ocean of things that I was unable to achieve, a plain of unrequited love, seas of pain and disappointments… It would make me wonder if any of my pursuits were met. I guess it is only human nature to want more.
Today, however, I am happy. I no longer seek it, it’s just there. It is a hermitic view of life, I agree. But by alienating oneself from one’s surrounding, all sources of happiness are removed, and by doing so, contentment follows. From my own experience, I can tell you that contentment breeds happiness.
Every age, every season, a new pursuit takes root, and we go through life’s ups and downs seeking it. The sad part I think is that we rarely notice when we achieve, because the very second a pursuit is met, a new one is born. We drift through life thinking that we haven’t achieved any of our dreams, and yet, all the while, all our dreams are coming true.
Every night before I sleep, I do a little bit of soul searching. It is an attempt to identify that one thing that would bring me happiness. Sadly, thus far, I’ve found nothing. At times, I question myself, “Am I looking in the right places?” Then again, no answer.
What is happiness? How can we achieve it? Is it something that can be gained? Some believe that happiness is merely a state of mind; others are convinced that true happiness comes from the one thing that the heart truly desires. Honestly, is there really such a thing? Aren’t our desires transitory? And if they are, then shouldn’t the source of happiness be constantly altering?
Why search for something that cannot be found? Why not just live life the best you can and hope that in the end, it’ll all make sense when you take that journey through the tunnel of white lights.
Earlier, when I would look back at life, I would see an ocean of things that I was unable to achieve, a plain of unrequited love, seas of pain and disappointments… It would make me wonder if any of my pursuits were met. I guess it is only human nature to want more.
Today, however, I am happy. I no longer seek it, it’s just there. It is a hermitic view of life, I agree. But by alienating oneself from one’s surrounding, all sources of happiness are removed, and by doing so, contentment follows. From my own experience, I can tell you that contentment breeds happiness.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Chapter One: Introduction
No sooner than the first step we take, life throws its varied challenges at us. Like a whimpering pup, running to and fro from mother to new ground, we try so hard to learn.
___________________________________________________________________
She sat in peaceful oblivion. While the world around her moved in a pace designed for forerunners, she remained.
She watched and absorbed the sights and sounds. She was aware of how brutally odd she was among the myriad souls that enveloped her, but she remained.
She was bold, no doubt. She was not of the meek or timid kind. Her stature was tall, her body held firmly almost as if she was holding inside her a storm. Her eyes. Brightly lit stars that burnt with the fire of the sun, rays shot out at every glance. Her eyes held it all. The storm, the fever, the fear.
The cup of coffee that proudly displayed dregs of cocoa and traces of a smeared lipstick sat in front of her. Next to it, a phone. She looked on anxiously. Perhaps, she was waiting for someone to come, to call.. Nervously, she looked around, and yet, in her eyes, there was nothing but a cold sternness. She held her gaze strong, enough to scare away the most vile intentions. May be she’d learnt; experience is a fine master.
The guise was flawless, except for a moment’s digression. And there it was, the tremor that she tried so hard to hide. Accentuating the wrinkles along the sides of her mouth. She pursed her lips, hoping no one would notice. But it was unmistakable; there beneath years of training and cold anger, a twinge of fear manifested into wrinkles and lines, as she held on tightly to her cup.
She knew it was inevitable. She knew it was here. She knew it was time. She braced herself. She remained.
___________________________________________________________________
He walked. The grey jacket (a fading Christmas gift from some years ago) doing little to shield him from the watery onslaught. It had rained for three days continuously. The weather had over the days become a not-so-silent observer to the storm that was brewing within.
The place was deserted. A few cars fought there way through the flooded streets. Some stopped before him, wipers moving hurriedly across the surface of the glass. ‘Get in’ was the phrase of the hour. But a shake of the head indicated that the rain, the isolation, and the struggle was all well needed.
This was his moment of truth, and he was not about to share it with anyone. The constant buzzing in his right front pocket, a reminder of the task at hand. In his mind, he repeated each word over and over again; words that he had only recently scripted the night before. He knew, if he could get this right, all would be okay.
He could answer his phone. He knew it would be her. But he let it ring. There was reason behind every action. And in his mind, it was justified. Two lefts and a 100-m walk was all that was remaining. He paused briefly to reconsider. The weight of the soaking denim suddenly felt heavy around his waist. The wetness of his shoes mixed with the coldness on his back made him long for a glass of bourbon, a smoke, a laugh, and the good times.
He looked up. Grey. He looked around him. Grey. He looked down. Grey. There was nothing more. He walked.
___________________________________________________________________
She sat in peaceful oblivion. While the world around her moved in a pace designed for forerunners, she remained.
She watched and absorbed the sights and sounds. She was aware of how brutally odd she was among the myriad souls that enveloped her, but she remained.
She was bold, no doubt. She was not of the meek or timid kind. Her stature was tall, her body held firmly almost as if she was holding inside her a storm. Her eyes. Brightly lit stars that burnt with the fire of the sun, rays shot out at every glance. Her eyes held it all. The storm, the fever, the fear.
The cup of coffee that proudly displayed dregs of cocoa and traces of a smeared lipstick sat in front of her. Next to it, a phone. She looked on anxiously. Perhaps, she was waiting for someone to come, to call.. Nervously, she looked around, and yet, in her eyes, there was nothing but a cold sternness. She held her gaze strong, enough to scare away the most vile intentions. May be she’d learnt; experience is a fine master.
The guise was flawless, except for a moment’s digression. And there it was, the tremor that she tried so hard to hide. Accentuating the wrinkles along the sides of her mouth. She pursed her lips, hoping no one would notice. But it was unmistakable; there beneath years of training and cold anger, a twinge of fear manifested into wrinkles and lines, as she held on tightly to her cup.
She knew it was inevitable. She knew it was here. She knew it was time. She braced herself. She remained.
___________________________________________________________________
He walked. The grey jacket (a fading Christmas gift from some years ago) doing little to shield him from the watery onslaught. It had rained for three days continuously. The weather had over the days become a not-so-silent observer to the storm that was brewing within.
The place was deserted. A few cars fought there way through the flooded streets. Some stopped before him, wipers moving hurriedly across the surface of the glass. ‘Get in’ was the phrase of the hour. But a shake of the head indicated that the rain, the isolation, and the struggle was all well needed.
This was his moment of truth, and he was not about to share it with anyone. The constant buzzing in his right front pocket, a reminder of the task at hand. In his mind, he repeated each word over and over again; words that he had only recently scripted the night before. He knew, if he could get this right, all would be okay.
He could answer his phone. He knew it would be her. But he let it ring. There was reason behind every action. And in his mind, it was justified. Two lefts and a 100-m walk was all that was remaining. He paused briefly to reconsider. The weight of the soaking denim suddenly felt heavy around his waist. The wetness of his shoes mixed with the coldness on his back made him long for a glass of bourbon, a smoke, a laugh, and the good times.
He looked up. Grey. He looked around him. Grey. He looked down. Grey. There was nothing more. He walked.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Diary of a Derelict – I
Scattered dreams
Shattered hopes
Strewn all over
One cannot cope.
I had a dream, a beautiful dream. It was about me and the way I wanted my life to be. Then one day, one cold winter morning, I woke up. The dream was over. Pieces of me came crashing to the floor, and for the first time, I saw the picture of the unworthiness that was possessed in me.
Wanton pride
Infested soul
Insides fade
Dark as coal.
I scrambled on all fours, making desperate attempts to gather the pieces that made me. But, with each attempt, my spirit grew weaker. Until one day, when the world had torn me down to nothing, I took my own life. With one swift blow and a twist of the wrist, I found the peace that I was born without. Oh! How the world cried as they saw me lying there. Some laughed, but I didn’t care. I didn’t know better. I was without body, living the life of a perfect whole.
Beauty within
Body without
Took my own life
Breathed a sigh
Said a goodbye
Saw the light
Watched the heavens
Soared through stars
A place eternal
Tranquility found.
Shattered hopes
Strewn all over
One cannot cope.
I had a dream, a beautiful dream. It was about me and the way I wanted my life to be. Then one day, one cold winter morning, I woke up. The dream was over. Pieces of me came crashing to the floor, and for the first time, I saw the picture of the unworthiness that was possessed in me.
Wanton pride
Infested soul
Insides fade
Dark as coal.
I scrambled on all fours, making desperate attempts to gather the pieces that made me. But, with each attempt, my spirit grew weaker. Until one day, when the world had torn me down to nothing, I took my own life. With one swift blow and a twist of the wrist, I found the peace that I was born without. Oh! How the world cried as they saw me lying there. Some laughed, but I didn’t care. I didn’t know better. I was without body, living the life of a perfect whole.
Beauty within
Body without
Took my own life
Breathed a sigh
Said a goodbye
Saw the light
Watched the heavens
Soared through stars
A place eternal
Tranquility found.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
Little..
In a little whisper, I hear you calling out my name.
In a little heartache, I know you feel the same.
In a little anger, for the words we never said.
In a little hunger, till this life comes to an end.
I need you.
I feel you.
In my bones and in my veins,
In my nights and in my days,
You are my wonder.
In a little heartache, I know you feel the same.
In a little anger, for the words we never said.
In a little hunger, till this life comes to an end.
I need you.
I feel you.
In my bones and in my veins,
In my nights and in my days,
You are my wonder.
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